Marriage Myth

We get married for quite a few reasons. For us lucky ones (like me and Jonathon) we get married because we fall in love. But it's not always for love that we get married. Sometimes people marry for money or power, sometimes for escape or need, maybe for fear or lust. Marriage hasn't always been about love.

The Indians by and large have always and still marry based on parental choices and hopefully love will come with time. (A great showing of this is in the Bollywood movie Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam.)

Monarchs have historically married for political or monetary gain. (One exception was Henry VIII and we see how that turned out.)

But today the great majority of us have the will and ability to marry the person we love. We are raised from birth to know that one day we will find a man (or woman for the guys) to love and who will complete us (however, much I disagree with this statement... although... no that's another topic) and we will fall in love, have a big wedding, and live happily ever after. (As a side note I wonder about happily ever after... I mean, I want to be apart of the first year that Cinderella and Prince Charming were married.... I mean did she mind he was also married to Sleeping Beauty? And did they fight alot? Did she cry at night when no one was looking because she was now basically his servant? And did she think that maybe this was a big mistake? Did she have growing pains? My boss told me once that the first year of marriage is the hardest. And I believe that. The first year here living with Jonathon was hard and required adjusting, but I love it and him and I wouldn't change it.)

But I am saddened that even though we live in a society that touts equality and peace and harmony... my friends who are GLBT can't marry the one they love. They can't go to their religious leader or court house and get married. It's wrong on so many levels. Separate but equal was abolished for the good of everyone. And yet... we are still a separate people.. still convinced our own small minded views are correct... still threatened by a perceived notion.

So, my rallying cry is this... GO GET MARRIED. Girls go marry your girlfriends and boys go marry your man! Do it! I don't care if it is legal or not. Defy the artificial and arbitrary boundaries that someone who doesn't know you and has no right to judge your life has set up. Screw them and do what makes you happy. Run toward your bliss!

Sacrifice to the Wedding Gods/DIY Recycle of Glass Candle Jars

Theatre is one of my true loves. My director for most of the plays that I was a part of through college and high school was an incredible lady. She never thought that a play would be a success unless by some accident (never on purpose) blood was shed to the theatre gods. Sometimes it was the tech team, the makeup crew, the actors, or the set builders (mostly) that gave their blood sacrifice.

Well, Monday, I gave my sacrifice to the wedding gods.

See, I have been saving old glass candle jars after we use them and recycling them to use outside the chapel to light the dark winter night. (And because I believe in reusing and recycling, so reusing the glass jars sounded pretty smart.)

So, here's a DIY tip for doing this. If you would like to reuse a pretty jar that has a candle in it (but the candle has burned away so much that it no longer stays lit):

1. Let it cool over night or about 12 hours.
2. Put it in the freezer for a couple of days.
3. Take it out of the freezer and let it thaw for a few hours (to a few days or months.. whenever you have time)
4. Take a butter knife (you can use any moderately sharp object, but this has been the best for me) and crack the wax so that it comes up from the bottom. (This can be done in one go if you are lucky. Normally, I find myself digging out pieces.)
5. Dump out the old wax.
6. Let it soak in hot water for a few minutes. Wash. Dry. Done.

It was the digging out part that ruined me. I was apparently pressing far too hard on the candle in question with my little butter knife and stabbed through the glass and into my hand, shattering the glass.

The cut isn't large and no major shards of glass were in my hands. I'm thankful it wasn't as bad as it could have been. But as it was I bled to the wedding gods.

Random bits of thoughts

I love fall and I am ready for the change of seasons for many reasons. I love the crisp cool air, the rain that never seems to end here, the changing colors on the trees, the sickly sweet smell of decay (dead leaves) in the air, the foods (soups/chilies/warm), football, and mostly the start of school and Halloween (my favorite holiday).

But after fall, comes winter and with winter… our wedding day. Which the closer it looms the more I am looking forward to and the more I have to do. I know that there are so many things that I am doing early and maybe out of sequence. But it’s the way that feels natural to us. Yes, I would like to have my hair trial at the end of September. Why? I don’t know. I just do. I think it comes with the territory that right now I am hating my long locks (my stylist and Jonathon refuse to let me cut it until December 19th at the earliest) and if I see something tangible I won’t want to cut it so badly.

With my to do list seemingly to shrink (thank heavens) and more time can be devoted to enjoying friends, family and the process. Our first shower is next weekend. I am looking forward to the shower, and not for the gifts. I can’t wait to see some people that I know will be there. Friends and family members I haven’t gotten to see in the past few months.

I guess what I’m saying is… enjoy the process… no matter how early you are doing things, or in what order.. the point is… the process of planning a wedding is a preparation for you (and your boy) to find bliss. Engagements shouldn’t be tangled webs of problems. Don’t feel bad or think you are wrong or strange if you do something out of The Knot’s sequence of events or Martha’s master plan. You are not Martha!

Saturday mornings

I love Saturday mornings. Normally, they are slow and easy. I get to lay in bed and wake up cuddling in Jonathon’s warm arms. It’s so wonderful and comfortable and heavenly. Saturday mornings start with cuddling and forehead kisses. Sweet forehead kisses and sweet kisses melting into warm and sunshine and happiness. I can’t even explain how wonderful it feels in that moment wrapped up with him. It’s one of the times of the day that Jonathon is completely with me and not off thinking about buyback,  baseball, or books.

Wedding blogs are great for inspiration. I don’t down them. I have many of them in my Google reader. But they don’t tell you much about marriage. About after the wedding.  I once worried about what I would do after the wedding, but as wedding planning has slowed. I know what I will do after the wedding.

I will wake up slowly with my husband on Saturday mornings. I will live my life. I will not fill it up with meaninglessness. I will take pleasure in the warmth of his arms and the sweetness of his kisses. I will write the book I am working on. I will go get my MA and Ph.D. And I will think back on what a beautiful day our wedding was and our wonderful marriage .

My Top Tips for Planning a Wedding (So Far)

1. Always include your fiancé. It’s his day too. As a couple, it is your day. Think of his ideas, needs, wants, preferences. Sometimes, this is will not be helpful or you will hate it. But sometimes he will come up with great ideas. (Like say no to the groomsmen in chicken suits unless that’s your thing, but yes to a really cool alternative processional idea.) Men can think outside the box when it comes to weddings. They don’t know and don’t care to know the rules, so they have no qualms about breaking them.

2. Keep an open mind. Not about everything, but most things.

3. You don’t have to visit 15 florists. If someone you know and trust says that so and so is amazing, go see their work. If you like it, why bother going anywhere else? Do you really have that much time or need that much more stress? Seriously?

4. Make the focal point of your wedding the ceremony. I know planners say no focus your energy on the reception because that’s what counts. Seriously? No, what counts is expressing your love for each other. People are coming to see you GET MARRIED not eat, dance, or whatever other reception plans you have. Yes, the party is important, but NOTHING… NOTHING… NOTHING is as important as your vows. Remembering this takes you back you what this day is really all about.

5. Good photography will last you forever.

6. Keep it simple. Do you need to try 45 different cake combos? No. Do you need to see every linen in the building? No. Do you need to see 5 people about a tiara? Do you even need a tiara?

7. Think about your choices. Ask yourself if they reflect you and your man. If not, why the hell is it in your wedding? Because someone somewhere once said you had to do it?

8. The world won’t end if you buck some traditions, but pay close attention to your manners. It’s important to do things correctly. For example, you can address your outer envelopes to Mr. Smith and Mrs. Smith or Mr. and Mrs. Smith or The Smiths or Jane and Jon. It doesn’t matter. However, please for the love of god consider people’s feelings. Yes, it is your day, but other people count. Just do what you would normally do in a situation where you need good manners. Heck I get mail now address to Mr. and Mrs. B. And we aren’t married yet.

9. If something small doesn’t go your way, like your bridesmaids are clueless and unhelpful. Shrug it off if it’s not major (major is not showing up to your wedding or other important event without letting you know… minor is not calling you back about ribbon colors) because believe it or not they have lives to and I bet they don’t revolve around you. Does your life revolve around them? Shrug off the small things. You will love your life so much more.

10. Music is sentimental and important. Pick music that feels right to you. Even if it is the Ramones. But for the love of god.. LISTEN TO THE WHOLE SONG! If it’s clearly got a breakup or inappropriate theme (like you are in a church I’m not sure if the Apple Bottom Jeans song is quite the pick for you). Also, unless it was your song and you are dead set on it… please don’t play the same song you’ve heard at every wedding you have been to this year. Example: Bless the Broken Road has been played at EVERY wedding I have been to the last 2 years. We refuse to play it.

Logic Games

Logic games for the LSAT usually don’t have many complicated rules. Planning your reception seating chart usually sounds like a LSAT logic game.

Aunt Ida won’t sit next to Aunt Paula.

Jessie and Jeremy don’t like Nathan.

Brad and Maggie will only sit next to Becky.

Becky refuses to sit near Bob.

So on and so forth. Or if you are like Jonathon and I, our mothers and fathers hate each other. Nasty divorces and years of resentment have left both parties hating each other. So my mom won’t sit near my dad and Missy and Mike feel the same way. Let’s just say planning a seating arrangement was something I wanted to start early and work on to get just right. Mostly to save the peace. However, I did make some interesting pairings that Jonathon thought were great ideas. I have several “problem” guests who are invited and either is negative about Jonathon or myself but are either friends or family… or mainly one of Jonathon’s groomsmen’s wife hates me. Why? I have no clue. Not a one. So… yeah.

After probably 3 months of finagling¸ I have finally managed to work out my seating chart based on the projected invitees should we have 100% positive RSVPs. That’s a little screen shot of it up there. (Have I mentioned I love using Excel…. for everything? I use it for all my wedding plans. It’s a great tool.) You will also notice I marked out the table names. That's because those are a surprise.

Bow to the Orange

Let me preface this by saying that is so not me and Jonathon. I’m not that tiny and Jonathon isn’t that bold. LOL.

But every time I tell someone our color scheme (I shy away from “wedding colors” like I do “themes”. I’ll explain more in a bit.) is orange, ivory, and gold I tend to get one of two comments.

1. Oh you must be Vols fans!! (Jonathon is yes, but I picked the color scheme because orange is my favorite color.)

2. A weird fixed (read: dismay, shock, and disapproval) face and nod.

I will say, it’s kind of amusing. Mostly, because sure it is a December wedding and most people would assume I’d say “Oh, red and white, of course!” or “navy and silver” or “ruby and emerald” or some other holiday color scheme. But I love the color orange! And gold and cream with hints of orange is so stunning to me.

I mention this because I notice a ton of people talking about themes or “our colors". And there is nothing wrong with themes or colors. But I think it limits creativity or options. I hesitate when talking about themes because a theme could unify a whole thing… like no color but a carnival theme. I guess, what I am trying to impress upon you is that if you do have a theme make it one that describes BOTH of you as a couple. (Like if Jonathon and I had a theme it would be something like “an orange Indian fairytale book nerd winter ray of sunshine” or some other impossibility. ) Or if you have colors both parties should agree… like if your man hates pink… stay away from pink and pick colors you can agree upon.

*first image from here. second image from …. please let me know. I googled this ages ago and well I didn’t save where it was from.

Wisdom from my photographer

I’ve mentioned I love my photographer right?

Well, first things first… she has a blog that you simply must go see. NOW. In fact, this stunning image is hers. Wonderful stuff.

But secondly, I sent her an email letting her know so new wedding information. (PS. How great is a photographer who actually cares about you and your wedding?!?!) I also let her know that I was losing my job. To which she gave me a perspective in my misery I had failed to notice. That it may be a blessing in disguise. That I can focus on *gasp* other things. Like my writing which I have been neglecting for ages, my wedding plans, Jonathon, and what I really want to do with my life… which by the way is not be a secretary.

I would like to teach English. Mostly to college students, but I think I might get my Master’s in Education, my teaching certificate and teach high school to get me through my Doctorate. Which is so not a bad idea.

And who said photographers only take great pictures?

*It also means more time to get in shape for the wedding.