WWW, Confessions, and New Segments

I have a confession before I get to my wedding wish this week. I am going through bridal turmoil. Jonathon and I are trying to have this elegant affair for under $10,000 if at all possible. In fact, much under. But here's the thing. Like every little girl I had dreams of what my wedding would look like. Most of them I have let go since I have gotten older. However, some I have clung to fiercely. But during our wedding meeting last week, Jonathon brought up the expense of the DJ. He questioned the necessity of it. And I snapped. It's not about the DJ. It's more of a how do we find a line not to cross when cutting expenses? I was dejected, mostly because of the vision I have and how much effort I am putting into this in order to keep the cost down. In fact, our venues are very nearly free. I am DIYing most of it, I have scaled back, and I'm trying very hard here. I cut out all but 5-10 bottles of champagne. It's amazing the lengths I have been going to, including with my dress. So, yesterday, I was thinking well why can't we just do this with an ipod. It's not what I want. I want to have everyone up and dancing and the shaky acoustics in this room won't pick up well with an ipod, but well why not? Mostly I felt like I was being greedy and selfish. I felt like I shouldn't want these things. I felt like a bridezilla. I hated it. So, I sent my boy this email.

Sometimes I wonder if I am being selfish. I can’t have everything. I know that.
I have grown up with a life of sacrifice. Mostly my sanity. But there was always
something I should do without. It would be better that way.

I’m planning this wedding with you and I admit today I am having doubts. Not
about marrying you. Never that. I just wonder if I am being to presumptuous.
Like okay I get $2000 is too much for a dress. But at what point does it become
well this price is too much and it’s $100? And then what becomes of little girls
dreams? Do we sacrifice dreams for reality? Should we do that? And then what do
we make of food? A Dj? Should I feel bad about wanting to have some fun?
I do. I never questioned it until the other day, but do I just forgo everything
I have planned and make nothing of it? Do I have the cheap wedding that has been
handed down to me. Do I have the boombox in the corner and that’s enough. Do we serve
sandwiches and cokes and maybe some cookies?

Where do I draw the
line and say enough? I’m kinda depressed thinking about it all. I mean, at some
point what becomes enough. Is it even worth it?

He sent me back this email: "it most definitely is because i want you to be the most beautifulest bride to ever walk the earth"

But then I broke down on the phone with my mom today. Not because of the money, but the dreams dying. I feel so weak. I feel like an absolute total jerk. I feel like a bridezilla and I hate that word. My mom was like I wish I had the money to pay for your wedding. And I told her straight up "that's not the point. Even if you handed me $50,000 and said plan a wedding I wouldn't take it. That's not the real world. I need to do this on our own." I'm such a bad person.

And so my wedding wish this week is simply this: I wish for the strength to overcome my limits and get over it. I wish to have the peace of mind knowing that this wedding will be one of the best days of my life. Not the best day, because a life is long and I will have many other "best days" like when we have kids, take an awesome vacation, and days when we wake up and realize that this life is enough.

Now that all the crying is over, the confessions have been made, the wishing is done. Here is the new segment part. I am going to try to do this weekly, though I may miss a few weeks here and there. (I do have a life.) But I want to do Nearly Wedded Home more, Music and Makeup Mondays, Fitness Friday, Reading Glass Thursdays. We shall see how well this goes.

Rocking: Real Love x Regina Spektor
Feeling: a little sad

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