I want to talk about something difficult today. I want to start by saying that it doesn’t reflect anyone but me and I want to make it clear that it was still wonderful.

I didn’t love my wedding as a whole. I loved certain parts of our wedding. I loved the ceremony. I loved the reception. I loved being with Jonathon. I loved our photographer and all the pieces and parts I worked so incredibly hard on. I loved all the details. I loved our vows and our pastor. I loved the library and I love my husband very much. I love being married to him.

But I don’t like the way I felt leading up to the wedding. I felt very stressed (not about things getting done or not done… but in general). I lost about 5 lbs in the 3 days leading up to the wedding (which I needed to do and was excited about) but not how or why I lost them. I think I was in a mild state of panic attack… constantly. Most of it stems from internal problems (and some externals like the weather… etc), but I was not a peace until the whole shebang was over and I was so exhausted at the end of the wedding I practically crashed at the after party and slept the whole next day.

If I could do it over again (I wouldn’t), I would have scheduled a wedding party yoga class for the morning of and became zen. I would have kept my booking for a massage. I would have done anything to stop feeling so completely and utterly lost. I was so confused there were a thousand things going on and I just felt surreal. Not in a good surreal.

True, it all faded as I walked down the aisle and I tripped on the hem of my dress and I laughed and it was okay. That’s when I calmed down. I hated to say this. I felt bad. I was beating myself up for not feeling the way I should have felt. But apparently, it doesn’t show in the guests photos that I have been getting back. I was really worried I would be frowning in all my images, but apparently not as much as I thought.

Also, I spoke with the librarian who lent us the space to get dressed and to take our first look photos and she told me she had no idea anything was wrong other than the weather. She said that she thought I looked pretty much like a normally do. She said that she couldn’t tell what I was feeling.

Honestly, it feels very liberating to say that the way I felt leading up to my wedding made me feel like I didn’t love it. Yes, I liked my wedding. Yes, I adore my husband. But it is okay that I wasn’t feeling 100% bliss. It is okay that I wish I could have not felt that. It is okay that I felt rushed. It is okay. I don’t have to love every part of everything to think that our wedding day was a pretty good day. In the scheme of things… everything was wonderful. And who cares how I felt before the wedding. Who cares? It is how I feel now about my marriage and how I felt seeing his face the moment we said our vows. That’s the important part.

No more shame, no more guilt.

Thank you Meg for reminding me that it is okay. (Meg has posted two posts on this subject recently. You can read them here and here.)

A Practical Wedding: Not Loving Your Wedding

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